


Act of Courage

by slighter_writer



Category: It Lives (Visual Novels)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sort Of, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, its brief so don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24061654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slighter_writer/pseuds/slighter_writer
Summary: It shouldn’t feel like this, after all this time. We won, didn’t we?No,Josh realized.We didn’t.In which a survivor contemplates what was, what is, and what could have been.
Relationships: Lucas Thomas/Main Character (It Lives In The Woods), Noah Marshall/Main Character (It Lives In The Woods)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Act of Courage

_The two of them were at Josh’s place, waiting for Ava, Andy, Dan, and Lucas. Lily was sick in bed and Stacy was visiting her grandma out of town, leaving Noah and Josh waiting for the four others while they drew figures in the dirt in the yard with sticks and talking about anything their minds jumped to._

_“Hey, Noah?”_

_The boy turned towards his friend._

_“Yeah?”_

_For a moment, Josh, who was as lively as ever seconds ago, was being uncharacteristically quiet._

_“Do you_ …like _anyone?”_

_“‘Like’,” Noah repeated. “Like I like you and Jane and the others? Or you mean like-like?”_

_“Um, yeah” Josh nodded, blushing. “Like-like.”_

_“Then no,” the other boy shrugged. “Stacy, Lily, and Ava are fun to hang around, but I don’t like-like anyone.”_

_“What about,” Josh began hurriedly, but slowed down. “What about boys…?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Do you like-like any boys?”_

_Josh was beet red. Noah was just confused._

_“No,” he shrugged. “_ I’m _a boy. It’d be weird if I liked-liked a boy. That’s what my mom says though.”_

_“Right…” Josh looked hurt. “Right, forget it.”_

_Noah wanted to ask why his friend looked so sad._

_He hated it when Josh got upset. Unlike Jane, who’d get mad, Josh would be quiet, pouty, and would go off by himself, refusing to ever acknowledge what made him upset in the first place._

_But before Noah can say anything, the doorbell rang and their friends poured inside._

_Noah forgot that Josh even asked him any question about who he liked._

_It was something they’d both forget in the years to come, a memory of the conversation fading into a small feeling._

* * *

After reading Lucas’s texts, Josh shoved his phone into his pocket. His smile started to fade as he continued down the road, focusing on his surroundings.

 _It really is a beautiful day,_ Josh mused.

And he _hated_ it.

The sun shone through the trees in a way that reminded him of an image you’d find on a tourist pamphlet.

It made Josh think about how the only thing this town is good for is being _fake_.

Like how the town somehow fooled themselves into thinking everything was just a freak animal attack.

But the more he thought about it, Josh guessed he couldn’t blame the town for that. Having to deal with the truth might actually be _more_ of a clusterfuck than it all happening.

It was all a question of _why_.

Why did this all happen to _them_? Why was _he_ the one who had to find Redfield’s shack?

All he had to do was keep his _goddamn mouth shut_ about some _stupid fucking rock floating_ all those years ago…

_It’s my fault._

Josh scoffed.

_Like that’s big news._

And when it was time to pay the piper, Josh was too much of a coward to do anything…

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Josh forced himself to think about something, _anything_ else.

His mind wandered from the date Lucas promised they’d have before he went back to his university, to that new video game Lily’s been raving about, Stacy’s latest Pictagram post about celebrating another perfect score on an exam, Ava’s latest binge on occult books in the library, Andy whining about how he just wants to be free of high school already, Dan’s updates on his new art blog…

_…Noah crying, apologizing…_

Josh wiped tears from his eyes as he kept walking.

* * *

_Noah always envied Josh._

_He was a charismatic go-getter where Noah was shy and bookish. Josh always got stickers that came with having a perfect score on spelling tests, ones that Noah just passed by never more than five points. Josh was brave enough to make the first move in befriending him and Jane, and began their circle of friends the same way._

_Noah not only hated how he was too wimpy to ever say any of this out loud, but also that he held this kind of resentment towards one of the best friends he’s ever had._

_Noah hated how nervous he feels around Josh too. How he can’t help but constantly compare himself to him._

_Josh was like the sun; radiant and bright and impossible to miss, and Noah had felt like the grimy earth beneath it._

_But everything changed after Jane died._

_Their whole group of friends changed. They started to see each other less and less, and eventually, they never saw each other outside of school._

_Having different classes in middle school widened the gap between them, leaving silent nods as the last bit of interaction they had._

_Soon, even_ those _were gone._

_Even after they all fell apart, Noah couldn’t help but notice Josh._

_Before, Noah had always seen Josh happily chatting with at least one person._

_Now, Noah never saw him hang out with anyone ever again. He was like the dusty remains of a star that went out._

_There were times Noah wanted to reach out, to see if they could be friends again, to hang out, laugh together,_ be _together-_

 _-and Noah would stop himself when he came short of any reason Josh would_ want _to talk to him._

* * *

“You look like shit.”

“Hello to you too, Ava.”

Josh was semi-thankful that his shift at one of the town’s few fast food places started early in the morning. Only a handful of people stepped in here for breakfast, and none of them were impossible to deal with. So, for a few hours, Josh could enjoy a bit of peace before the lunch rush.

And it was always good to see a friendly face.

“Alright, fuck the pleasantries then.”

Usually.

Ava stretched her hand at Josh and waved it dramatically.

“In the name of the Dread Goddess Hekate, get me my usual.”

Josh punched in the register an order for an apple pie and a milkshake.

“That’ll be $2.78.”

Wordlessly, Ava hands him money and Josh went in the back to get her order.

“Talked to Tom today,” Ava said. “He looked really interested in the stuff I found in Cora’s shack. Maybe he can be my apprentice or some shit.”

“A witch’s apprentice?”

“Turned him down. Teaching is a rock bottom I’ll never hit.”

“Cuz the teacher’s at school we _sooo_ great.”

“You get it.”

Josh finished up, pie in a paper bag and milk in hand.

“So, you talk to people,” she asked before he held out her order. “You’re social like that. Everyone’s gonna be at the memorial tonight, right?”

“Yup,” Josh nodded. “All seven of-”

Josh stops himself, remembering what happened to the seventh.

Ava’s face went steely, and for a moment it looked like she had a lot to say.

“Hand me my order,” she sighed. Josh obliged.

Before Ava walked out, she stopped and did a half turn. Josh sees several shifts to and from anger and sympathy.

“Take care,” said before leaving.

* * *

_Noah couldn’t remember the last time he and Josh talked._

_So, when Josh sat next to him at the pep rally, he hoped his quietness came off as indifference, and hid his anxiety about the whole situation._

_Josh didn’t seem to mind, since he started talking semi-comfortably. He was mellower and less gloomy than he used to be, and Noah felt the familiar jealously that was always the third companion amongst the two._

_The pep rally ended after the blackout, Josh called everyone to meet after school, and four of them were stocking up on makeshift weapons._

_When Josh told Noah that he won’t leave him again, he let himself believe it._

_Noah halfheartedly thanked Josh, and for a second was afraid his sort-of-friend would take offense._

_But instead, Josh smiled at him, and Noah felt like he was looking at sunshine._

_A warm feeling bloomed in Noah’s chest, and it stuck around even when they were done talking and gone back to looking for weapons._

_Noah remembered the warm feeling later on, when he noticed how Josh’s face was red when he was close enough to Lucas, how he stammered a bit more when the two were talking._

_Noah wasn’t as dumb as he was as a kid. He knew that Josh liked Lucas. He also didn’t want to believe he was feeling jealousy, because of what it implied._

_It wasn’t until during Britney’s party that Noah started to ask himself where these feelings for Josh came from. Was it sometime after everyone drifted apart, and their absence leaving an ache in his heart? Or was it before, when they were younger, innocent, and still friends?_

_After the party and after Josh revived his hope for the future (something he’d been doing well the past few days), his own personal devil reared its shadowy head, and signaled the end._

_In the near future, while they were all forced to play the game again, Noah would wonder if anything could have happened to keep this whole mess from happening._

_If he just told Redfield to fuck off, or just ignored him (no, her)._

* * *

“In school,” Andy said with a mouth full of pizza. “You froze up every time you had to present something. And up there, you didn’t break a sweat.”

Josh was taken by surprise when Stacy’s mom called him up to say a few words (he didn’t even think the town’s mayor even remembered his name). Surprisingly, where there was usually quick breath and sweating, there was just emptiness.

His mind flashed to Cora when he was up, about how she risked her life to help them and went to warn them while she was injured and dying.

And then it went to Noah.

He kept his part about Noah as brief as possible, and stepped down the second he gave his last “thank you”.

Josh would like to say that Lucas’s hug and quick kiss after the memorial made him feel better, but after talking about Noah, he couldn’t shake the feeling like he was betraying him.

“I get a lot of speech practice when dealing with customers from hell,” Josh finally answered, shrugging.

“You mean Ava?” Andy snarked.

“Andy, don’t be mean,” Lily scolded

“You think I take offense to that?” Ava grinned evilly. “I go there on the weekends.”

Josh finished his Graveyard, and turned to Lucas, right next to him.

“Bartender, one more.”

“One for me too,” Stacy smirked, wiggling her empty cup.

“I think you’ve both had enough,” Lucas said in mock seriousness.

“ _How_ can you stand to drink those?” Tom asked. “I almost hurled taking a _sip_!”

“That’s it, you’re dead to me,” Stacy pouted theatrically.

“Aw, come on,” Lily nudged Stacy with her shoulder. “We all just pledged our eternal devotion to each other five minutes ago!”

_And just managed to avoid talking about Noah…_

Noah could be here. Right now.

Maybe not here though. The others might still hate him, maybe not, but at least he’d be _alive_. Maybe everyone would even slowly come to stop hating him.

He could find a way to pay for culinary school. He could open up the diner he talked about…

_And I wish I could just stop thinking about those last moments…_

Josh has vague memories of blushing and being embarrassed around Noah when they were younger, but he didn’t think it had meant anything.

Every time Josh started thinking about his... _crush_ , if he could call it that, he’d just start thinking of Lucas, and guilt of betrayal would stab at his gut.

Josh’s eyes drift over to Dan, who’s been silent the whole time, aside from giving halfhearted laughs and accepting Graveyard refills…

…along with bringing up the one who’s been on Josh’s mind for a while.

 _“Well…not the_ whole _group.”_

Josh remembered that this night would end, and that everyone would go back to dealing with their trauma.

_Not alone. Please for the love of god not alone._

He felt like some kind of traitor again, for feeling this awful around people with whom he should be happy.

_It shouldn’t feel like this, after all this time. We won, didn’t we?_

He remembered the panic attack he talked Lily through by phone after Britney called him, begging for help. He remembered Ava’s blank face as the signs of a flashback started to show. He remembered the bags under Stacy’s eyes as she drank more coffee than was healthy. He remembered the late night texts from Andy faking small talk when he couldn’t sleep and needed some anchor to reality. He remembered the way Dan finally admitted with tears that he wasn’t fine, was _anything but fine._

And he remembered seeing the thing that used to be Noah in the ruins, looking back at him with those white eyes before vanishing.

 _No_ , Josh realized. _We didn’t._

* * *

_Seconds ago, Josh had gotten Noah out of Redfield’s (no, **Jane’s** ) control as he was seconds away from being stabbed._

_He goaded and taunted the monster they all feared since childhood, and fended it off with a whistle._

_So this should be easy, right?_

_Taking Jane’s place so she could finally be free of the hell she spent nearly a decade in._

_“I’m sorry, Josh,” Noah sobbed. “Please…please tell my mom-”_

_“Wait!” Josh said shakily. “It doesn’t have to be you!”_

_“Josh, please, it had to be me,” Noah begged. “Let me do this. Let me fix my mistakes.”_

_“NO!” he screamed. “Don’t you dare! Let me do this! Let me take her place instead!”_

_Except…_

_Josh_ didn’t _say any of that._

_He wanted to stop Noah, he wanted to so much, but no matter what, his throat wouldn’t obey._

_When it mattered the most, all he could give is silence._

_If the two of them were any closer, their faces would touch. Unfallen tears pooled in Noah’s eyes, filled with regret_

_Josh didn’t know what to do. He wanted to scream at Noah. He wanted to hug him and never let go. He wanted to punch him._

_But Noah acted before Josh could._

_His lips weren’t soft, but warm and gentle, and soon turn salty when tears hit their lips. Neither of them knew whose._

_“I’m sorry,” Josh lost count of the number of times Noah’s apologized today. “I just…I needed to do that. Just once…”_

_Those are the last words Noah ever said as a human._

* * *

The night ended with everyone promising to see each other tomorrow, and soon after that.

And so, here were Josh and Lucas, waiting together on a bench on the sidewalk for Josh’s mom to come pick them up and give Lucas a ride to his house.

Despite everyone parting with the unspoken promise of _this goodbye isn’t for good_ , Josh couldn’t help that irrational fear that the opposite would be true, and they’d all fall apart over again.

“You good?” Lucas pulled Josh out of his thoughts.

“Huh?” he mumbled dumbly.

“You’re squeezing my hand pretty hard there,” Lucas shakes his hand holding Josh’s, and he finds out he’s right; Josh is squeezing Lucas’s hand like some kind of lifeline.

“Sorry,” Josh says sheepishly as he eases his grip, but Lucas gives a gentle squeeze, keeping him from pulling away.

“Hey, you’re alright,” Lucas says before Josh can apologize any more.

Josh smiled at him, not trusting himself to speak right now. Unfortunately, it just gave way to an awkward silence.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Lucas asks.

“What…” _do you mean_ , Josh wanted to say, but he just didn’t have the heart to lie to his boyfriend’s face.

“I know,” Josh sighed.

And he did. But that was a different story than being _able_ to _do_ it.

“I’m here for you. So is everyone else. And if something’s been on your mind, we’d all listen if you wanted to talk.”

Josh wanted to.

He probably _needed_ to.

Josh remembered Dan, how he desperately needed someone to talk to, how he needed help, and what happened after he didn’t get it ( _it wasn’t his fault, it was mine_ ).

But what could he possibly say?

_Is it okay for me to have lingering feelings for someone else? Someone who betrayed us and led us to a monster? Someone who’s a monster now himself? Someone almost all of you understandably hate?_

There’s no way he can bring that up. Not to his friends, not to his boyfriend.

“I don’t wanna talk,” Josh sighs. “Could we just…be here…? If that makes any sense?”

“It doesn’t,” Lucas jokes. “But it’s a good thing I’m a mind reader.”

Lucas put an arm around Josh, pulling him closer.

Josh rested his head on Lucas’s shoulder and closed his eyes, enjoying his boyfriend’s presence.

In the future, when Josh finally found it in him to talk, he’d be able to go back to the cabin. Against all advice, he’d look for Noah in the shadowy figure that haunted the woods. And he’d find him. And soon after, Josh would be able to help more people who were forced into a world of monsters like he and his friends were.

**Author's Note:**

> Between work, college, and my f*cked up head, finishing this up took a lot longer than it should have. I'm trying to make writing into my coping mechanism, so that I'll do it more, lol ;D
> 
> I have one more fic I promised on tumblr, an AME one I'm gonna work on. I'm also gonna try to go back to my ES novelization, so stay tuned for that for its continuation.


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